Depressive Musings of a Vagabond Whore

Today, I really have to get organized.

This is a difficult task for a Vagabond Whore.

I've been wondering lately what I want out of this whole writing thing. I love the idea of being an author. I am so insanely envious of those people who sit in cafes, filling brown notebooks with their ideas. I love the texture, the feelings, the warmth that I associate with being a writer. I want to be profound. I love the way my script looks filling up yellow sheets of crinkled paper. I love pausing for a sip of (insert affeinated beverage of choice here), collecting my thoughts, and drinking in the aura of my author-ly-ness.

None of these reasons being particularly noble.

Oh, I'd like to have Important Ideas. I'd like to have characters who live their stories through me. I would like to create a world so vital and real it breathes.

Do I believe myself capable of it?

Not really. Sometimes, in my daydreams, I imagine that I could be the kind of person I want to be. But, gods, I feel so disconnected from that person in my dreams. I don't see her as being anyone that I am capable of becoming. I don't see myself as being talented enough, or even having the right temperament.

I am easily discouraged. And I tend to not try very hard when I have even a vague feeling that I am setting myself up for failure. This is so dumb... I know I'll never accomplish anything great this way. And I so badly want to do something great, admirable.

Maybe this is my problem. I want to do things that will make other people happy. I will never feel fulfilled without the approval of others. As much as I want to be an original person; someone who doesn't care what other people think... I want to be recognized for being that kind of person! Arrgh! I am such a hypocrite.

If I am going to be a great writer, I need to be prepared for it to be thankless in all those senses. Most likely, the only person who is going to gain satisfaction from my writing is me. And that satisfaction is going to have to be from the joy of the act itself, not because other people will admire me for it. It's healthy for me to have a certain amount of ambition, of course. It will help try my hardest to get published. But for the actual writing process, I need to throw all these other concerns out the window. Because they get in my way when I'm writing. If I'm self-conscious when I write, it SUCKS.

That's what I have to say for now. I'll be back when I make some progress, hopefully later tonight. I'll also entertain you with some interesting stories---maybe. I just needed to get this down on theoretical paper. Maybe actually saying what I need will help me do it. Maybe. Since I have witnesses.

Goodbye forever for now,
Mei-Mei