The Full Circle (aka, FAT... I'd rather be an Un-Full Circle)

I write to you today with cheese encrusted fingers, evidence of the fact that I am a total fatty (I don't even like cheese!) I am soo lucky that I have never found drugs tempting, because I have a horrible addictive personality. My drug of choice is just food. I really am a glutton. Sometimes I eat because I'm bored, or because I get kind of "aroused" just thinking about food. Like, I'm not hungry, but I think about a chocolate chip cookie, and then I'm freaking out until I get me some damn chocolate. I like the taste, the way it feels in my mouth, the chewing part, the swallowing part... yeah. I'm a fatty. Grosssss!

Today I ate dinner before I worked out. Bad mistake. Because after I finished my two hours of futile running/rowing/pedaling/pushing/pulling/lifting/crying/etc, I came back to my room only to discover that I was famished. "No," I told myself, "I will refrain from eating." Then I went into Tyler's room for a good make-out session to relieve my oral fixatedness. Then Tyler was all like, "Craig got two people we don't even know commenting on his blog!" and I was all, "Nuh-uh," and he was all, "Yuh-huh." Khoa was making all these stupid Asian faces the whole time, like he had never seen an angry fat lady. And I made this face back at him that was all, "Watch it, puny engineer, because I probably weigh more than you, and I will CLAW you until you beg for your mom and then I will CLAW YOUR MOM!! BIIIITCH!" Then I turned to Craig, and stuck out my tongue, which meant, "You may be a cooler writer than me, but I can still dazzle you with my maturity! What now, ho?" Then I grabbed Tyler's Doritos, and turned around to give the boys one last look, daring them to point out that the last thing I needed to do right now was stuff my face with Doritos to avoid contemplating the thoughts brought on by an inferiority complex. They didn't say anything. That's right, bitches.

On another note, I have been informed by Yahoo! (and then subsequently re-informed by friends who were also informed by Yahoo!) that some team of geeks has proven E=MC(squared). I don't really understand how they did this, when I still can't manage to prove to my boyfriend, through a series of really hot sexual favors, that I exist. But I get all horny when I think of a bunch of sweaty dudes (a good fraction of them Asians) talking each other through some marathon calculus. "Come on man, you're almost there! Just a little further... look it's oscillating... Come on... Come on!!! Yeah! Yeah! THAT'S IT!!! YOU GOT IT!!!" While the hot lady mathematicians give them lap dances (because women can't do math, obviously). Men need to stay sexually satisfied in order to solve complex equations. Why can't Craig's professor figure this out, and give him a hand job or two? I'm sure his grades would perk up, along with a few other things I could mention. Of course, when all the women tire out and die, then the men have the real fun, stroking each other under the table, while doing some rapid maneuvering with their TI-89 silver fancy editions. Hellz yeah. Now you see why I was excited to hear this news.

In other news... vagina. Sorry. I had to.

Okay.

So. My day. Got up around 11, and started reading The Princess Diaries, which Lan Chi gave me to read. I'm liking it a lot better than Twilight, another book that the Chinius gave to me so I could understand the phenomena that I didn't even notice until a couple of days ago when Carly started orgasming, "ummm, Twi!ligh!t.... ahhh! ohhh! that's ri!ght, Twilight, ba!by!!!" I don't get it. The book is just okay. It has a really slow start, which I wouldn't mind, except the characters never develop into anything more than two dimensional figures, except for the narrator, Bella, who is decently drawn, if only because she is talking to us for 400 pages. There's no hot sex, not even hot kissing, really, and none of the stuff about vampires is that interesting. The only villain shows up in the last 6th of the book, and he just seems like an afterthought. He's supposed to be really badass, but he doesn't seem too impressive, seeing as he's beaten in about 2 seconds. It wasn't horrible... I just don't understand the enthusiasm.

But, yeah, The Princess Diaries is great. I like the movie, but it's definitely as Disney-ficatation of the book, which has much more attitude. I'd like to write my blog entries like Mia's diary... she's very funny and reminds me of Craig, which is probably why his readership is expanding at an alarming rate and mine isn't. Oh. Well.

I rolled around with Tyler for a little while, did homework, and then went to go get lunch at Hendrix. It's lucky I did, because we discovered that they were having the Ten Thousand Villages sale today. Basically, this store from Greenville, which sells all these really neat things crafted by natives of different poor countries, and sells them to people here, making sure that the artisans who made everything get fairly paid, came to Clemson and sold stuff here. You'd think that everything would be really expensive then, but most of the stuff wasn't that bad. And all of it was really nice, handmade, and unique.

(the following is a descriptive passage in which the subject is shopping, and may be found objectionable by some readers. if you suffer from dizzy spells, pregnancy, or a weak constitution, you should probably skip this ride. and tell james madison to father you a stronger constitution. jeeze)

So I decided to get my Christmas shopping done early. I got my mom one of those bowls with that blue on white pattern (there's some name for it, which I can't remember) because she collects things with that pattern. Plus it matches our kitchen. I got my two cousins both jewelry boxes... one of them is carved out of some kind of gem and has a flower on the top, and the other one is carved out of wood from a cinnamon tree (the inside smells so good!)-- it still has the bark on the outside, and the Chinese symbol for "luck" is carved into the cover. They're both so cute and pretty! I got my Grandma a necklace made of amber colored gems, and also a tiny jade box to keep it in. I got my aunt a really cool journal, withe a painting of the rooster in the middle of the cover, and the rest of it woven out of strips of old newspaper. And, after I heard Lan Chi talking about how much she likes boxes, I bought her one. It's round and has really intricate carvings of flowers on the cover and also around the outside. I got one kind of like that for myself, except it's a little bigger, and shaped like a treasure chest. I love it so much! I felt kind of guilty buying something for myself when I was doing Christmas shopping, but I had to. I completely fell in love with this box-- it looks all old and important, and it makes me feel like anything I put in there will become precious and meaningful, like historical artifacts. I'm going to make it my memory box, I am going to cuddle with it, get splinters, and love it anyway! Woo!

(okay, you can look now)

This all took a long time. I was there with Tyler, who got himself a really cool journal with a cover made out of leaves. Then I went back to the dorm and realized that I wanted to get a box for my grandma's necklace. Conveniently, Johnathon decided that he wanted to go and shop for his family, so I followed him. On the way, he bitched about Khoa bitching, and I thought to myself, "We are all bitches. So why all the bitching about bitchiness? It's bitchy." Everyone's always snarking at each other. Myself included. Why can't we just admit that we love it?

By the time I finished shopping and gave Lan Chi her present, which I was very happy to find she really liked, it was time to eat again. So Lan Chi, Tyler and I went to go dine together. Lan Chi and I ate at Firehouse, and Tyler brought his Moe's in with us. Lan Chi actually ended up snagging a free dinner for Khoa, by being a vegetarian. She ordered a tuna sandwich, and somehow the sandwich lady misheard "tuna" for "turkey." So Lan Chi got a turkey sandwich. Then she informed them, and got her tuna. She gave the turkey to Khoa, who was happy in a way only Khoa could be. He immediately started making plans on how to allocate this unexpected windfall, and eventually decided to bury for the winter (aka put it in his Secret! Backup! Refrigerator! Of! Nuclear! Doom!). I was briefly thankful for Lan Chi's inexplicable need to massacre vegetables/fish inhumanely. You show that lettuce, Chichi Baby! (Tuna killer)

Which brings us full circle. Almost. After dinner, we went to Moe Joe's and I encountered Cece, whose last day is on Sunday (yes, that's her last day. After that, she's being made a sacrifice to the sorostitute Goddess of Boobage, Dolly Parton. Apparently, Dolly heard that Cece was bragging that her boobs were better than hers. And Dolly is a very jealous and tempestuous woman. So, after writing some really nasty things about Cece's boobs on Juicy Campus, she demanded that the sorostitutes offer the offender as a sacrifice. The execution is on Sunday). I can't even start to talk about how upset this makes me. But I will. On Sunday. When Craig, Lan Chi, Tyler, Johnathon, and I will sit in Moe Joe's and write about all of the good times we've had with Miss Cecilia, and all the inner turmoil that's getting kicked up by her leaving us. And so on.

But, for today, I will just tell you what happened. Which wasn't much.

Cece was training The Bitch, aka Courtey (if this is what we have to look forward to in terms of future baristas after Cece, Mark and Stephanie are gone, Moe Joe's is headed down a bad road. The girl can't tell her head from her ass--then again, neither can I-- or resist overflowing every latte with foam because she finds the foam pretty. And she's anorexic looking and whiny. And doesn't know how to swipe a credit card. And somehow manages to make lattes watery (???) Yeah). Luckily, Bitch didn't have much to say. I ordered a hot cider with a shot of pumpkin pie, and fumbled in my Jack Bauer bag for the present that I was giving Cece, a little two dollar magnet that has a tiny table covered in a blue-and-white checkered tablecloth, a tiny pair of glasses on a tiny newspaper, and a tiny cup of coffee. Behind the table, a plaque reads... um... some cute quote about coffee and its position as The Ultimate Good in the World, which I have forgotten. I felt so stupid. This is, again, like me with my teachers. Ugh.

If Cece didn't like it, she was gracious enough to put on a fairly convincing show to the contrary. She pouted, making a little doggy/kissy face, and baby noises. "Soooo (she pronounced this sue) cuute!!! Thanks!" Then she asked us if we were going to stay. Much as I hated to, I had to say, no, I was going to Fike because I was fat. "You're okay," she said.

"What do you know?" I thought, "I'm a lump of lard that was pooped out of a pig that was raised on a steady diet of raw sewage. I look like rabbit that was shot by and hunter, and then overstuffed with arsenic and mayonnaise, and mounted on the wall next to a belligerent-looking moose, who would rather be next to the duck than me." But I love Cece, even though she is a liar.

Now I've come full circle. Go. Me. Circle!

Yeah, okay, so I haven't kept my promise and made all my posts about writing. But at least I've been writing. And I'll start feeling like working on my book soon enough. I don't think I need to force it right now, as long as I'm staying in practice and writing something everyday.

I'll leave you with some poetry, so I can keep up the pretense that this blog is about literary shit. And I'll tie it into the post, too! Sexy mathematics.

"The Asymptote Poem"

Dawn stretches across the eastern rim of the sky
as I lie in my bed
contemplating Calculus, asymptotes, and you.
Your smile is like a parabola
divided by an rational number.
Oh, but my love for you is most irrational,
my emotions oscillating wildly.
How I long to lie tangent to your curves,
but, alas! that can never be!
For there is an asymptote betwix your heart and mine
I am infinitely reaching,
but I will never touch you.

(Yes, it's meant to be funny. And yes, you're right, this could be about me and Cece. Though I'm holding out hopes for a hug before she's carted off to the killing fields. Am I right, am I right?)

Fat and Oozing and Utterly Yours,
Mei of Mei